There’s an old saying, “If you meet three assholes in a day, you’re the asshole.” Did you crack a knowing smile? You may agree that it’s very true. Yet underneath the laughter, was it a bit hard to accept? I’m going to venture to guess it was. Because no matter the problem, it’s hard to imagine you are the source of it. The very thought hits the ego right in the spot that smarts. And egos don’t like to be messed with.
Just ask Nikki. Last night I watched Bravo’s Tuesday night reality television show, Tabatha’s Salon Takeover. Tabatha, the salon expert, is a no-nonsense woman with years of experience in the hair salon industry. She regularly blows in to a new salon to dispense wisdom in black clothing. This week she arrived at Brownes & Co., a beauty salon in South Beach, Florida. The owner, Nikki, comes off as a pretty awful boss. Her staff is afraid of her, she doesn’t trust her staff and the business is suffering.
After the show I checked in online to see what others thought of the episode and Nikki. It was pretty universal. Most everyone hated Nikki and wished the salon would fail.
What I suspect about many of the comments is that most of them are from people who have never been the boss (and many who never will be). Nikki definitely represents the dark side of being the boss and is something I feel moved to shed some light on. This is in no way a defense of Nikki, but Nikki – I’ve been there.
Running a business can come about in many ways – you inherit it, you start it, you develop it, but no matter the start, at some point you find yourself at the helm. One day you were an employee and the next you have employees. Most small business owners or start-up founders have never gone to school for the job or received any training in how to be a boss. So everything that you were before becoming the boss is who you are when you are the boss. The big difference is that now the spotlight is on you. Every quirk, insecurity, mood, facial expression, style, choice, becomes the focus of a group of people. All eyes are on you. All the time.
The only thing I can analogize it to is being a parent – your baby or toddler absorbs everything you do, looks to you for guidance and tests the heck out of you. And that’s exactly what employees do.
Why? Because employees are human. What often gets forgotten in the mix is that so are bosses.
This is the point where people like Nikki can get stuck. How do I know this? Because it happened to me.
At first, being the boss is all newness and excitement. Gradually, though, the stress of daily choices, daily complaints, daily issues sets in and there is no one to turn to. It’s lonely. You don’t want to show uncertainty or fear, and more often than you care to admit you don’t know what you are doing. Add to that a board that wants results or economic difficulties in the business or industry and the stakes get even higher. An unorganized event, an unhappy client, an employee mistake all get horribly magnified. In the eyes of the boss. Why? Because the boss cares. I don’t know a single boss or owner that at some level does not. This caring, however, often manifests itself in some seriously screwed up ways.
For me, I became angry. Mind you, up until I became a boss (and this will be hard to believe for at least a few folks out there) I had a lot of difficulty even feeling anger and I had never yelled at anyone at work in my life. Then one day, in a small office crammed with employees, I yelled at a salesperson. A few days later at a meeting in a conference room I sneered at an employee. And then another day, over the phone, I said, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” to a salesperson who told me his self-imposed sales goal for the month was $10,000. Was I right to express incredulity? Yes. Was it right to use the phrasing I did? No.
Next thing I knew I was regularly raging inside. I began to hate going to work. I began to hate my employees. And then I just plain didn’t trust them. The office culture was miserable and so was I.
Luckily (and I can only say this now, years later), my angry outburst at a salesperson actually made its way to my board. It pains me even now to write this. I was hugely embarrassed. On my board is a man named Yogen Dalal, who basically embodies the saying: the core of peace is calm. He acknowledged that employees are often tougher on aggressive female leaders and suggested a CEO coach. Through a friend in Silicon Valley I was referred to Carole Robin. She is a lecturer in Organizational Behavior and teaches the class referred to as “Touchy Feely” at the Stanford Business School. With Carole, I began to work. On what you ask? Myself.
Yes, that’s the kind of training people need to do to become good bosses: work on themselves. Because often the anger, distrust, ugly behaviors (and by the way the passive, disconnected, wishy-washy behaviors, too) stem from some unspoken depths of your soul. I had to learn that all my developmental and emotional issues were leaking out all over in the workplace. My inexperience in setting boundaries? My difficulty with direct communication? My lack of self-worth? Oh yeah – all had consequences at work (and so do they for employees, but I digress). What I had to learn was to separate my self and my self-worth from the outcome of the business. I discovered that I had a core belief that if the business failed I would be a failure and if I was a failure no one would value me or love me. How’s that for high stakes?
So you can imagine how when things started to look like they were going south, I began to white knuckle my grip on the company. And this grip started a vicious cycle. Suddenly all I saw were mistakes and seeing only mistakes (and not the good things) I began to distrust my employees and my employees picked up on this and then felt less capable and therefore became less capable, which led to more mistakes. You can see where I’m going with this. Man, it makes my stomach hurt just to write this. It truly was a terrible situation for all involved.
It took a lot of time with Carole and work in my personal life for me to grow into being a boss. At first I was defensive, then I played the victim, and then I learned I had a choice. I was the boss. If I didn’t want to be the boss, I could give up my role, but if I did want to be the boss, I had to accept the challenges of the role – like, yes, your facial expressions have an impact and that’s not going to change and no, you can’t control everything. I had to change some of my behaviors and ways of thinking (what Carole calls mental models). I also learned that your feelings and anger, in particular, are very wise. They are definitely pointing you to something that needs addressing. The trick is to identify the feeling/emotion, understand its root and then express it appropriately. Bosses are allowed to be angry.
Now, there’s another old saying that bears repeating: “With great power comes great responsibility.” I believe bosses do have a greater responsibility to clean up their side of the desk. They do, after all, carry the livelihoods of people in their hands. I understand that no one is going to feel sorry for the boss and nor should they. I don’t believe, however, that bosses should be demonized. No one ever tells the boss she’s doing a good job and let’s be real: bosses have a tougher job than employees: they carry the livelihoods of people in their hands. I also think that employees might feel just a bit more empowered if they stepped back and realized they are at the end of the day, dealing with another human across the desk. While the negotiation may seem lop-sided (“She can fire me!”) often times it is not (“I need him!”). Just something to think about.
I am now a boss in recovery. Do I still get stressed out and make mistakes with employees? Yep. I’m human. Today, my training with Carole and my shift in perspective in how to be a boss and run a company have helped me to be more relaxed and lead from a place that is calmer and more trusting. Consorte is better for it and frankly, I’m better for it. As I like to say, nothing teaches you more about yourself than starting and running a business.
Nikki does seem pretty resistant. She’s definitely not open to feedback. And if there’s anything Carole has taught me, it’s this: “Feedback is a gift – no matter how poorly given.”
Still, I understand Nikki’s tears at the beginning of the episode. She’s facing failure. That’s scary – no matter how you slice it. And the only thing scarier than that is realizing you are the problem. How do you get out of your own way? Well, if my example is worth anything, you do that by looking inwards. Because the ego has such a tight grip on most of us this is no easy task and it sometimes takes a death (a person or a business) or if you’re lucky, just a reality show, before you’re pushed to do the work.
I don’t hate Nikki. I don’t want her salon to fail. I hope Nikki has someone who can help her go slowly and carefully into that dark and confusing place – herself and find that there’s beauty in being a boss. That’s what this brown beauty did.
